My Fucked Up Life!
So the last few days have been really shitty. Lee and I broke up for awhile because he was tired of everything I am doing and it just all compiled and made him want to leave me but I told him I am going to therapy this coming Wednesday and will get help with my issues. So that’s good but my emotions are still this Blah shit and with high anxiety and urges to cut its all driving me insane. I just want to slice my dice my whole body until I bleed out and until He (Self Injury) is finally satisfied. And we are going to get rid of Beau because Lee can’t deal with his barking and shit. And that breaks my heart that we have to get rid of him. Such is my fucked up life.
I hurt so I want pain!
I am not doing well I am still anxious and my urges to cut are extremely high. I went in the kitchen and put the knife to my wrist on my scar- one of many and did the tracing motion on my scars. I want to cut my entire body- face and every limb and scar myself sop I can be as ugly on the outside like I am on the inside.I want to do it! I hurt so I want pain!
It’s a gloomy day I ran out of cigs and my neighbor who was going to take me to do some stuff is not answering the knocks on the door.Ugh! I’m frustrated and want to cut, I think the doctor let me out of the hospital to soon, I don’t feel safe with myself,I was better at the hospital because I was safe.I’m scared of myself now. I know I am not a child who needs a babysitter but I need someone and no one is at home. It would be a perfect time to cut, Ugh!
So today will be a full day that I will be home from Springwood and it’s not going so good. I am anxious because I have thoughts and urges to cut. The “Franticness” is with me now, that is when I go wildly searching for items to harm myself with, it could be cutting,scratching or breaking a toe with a brick or hitting my toe on the side of the table. It’s always like this. I know I can do it easily with a steak knife but I am taking it minute by minute. I am working my coping skills and hope that that holds out.
Just got out of the psych ward
Spent 10 days in the psych ward for my suicide attempt and to treat my self injury. I am happy to be home because I am scared to see if I can stop the self injury. I pray I can.